26

“In the same way, I will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born.” Isaiah 66:9

February 26 – Admitted into Timberline Knolls

March 26 – Discharged from Timberline Knolls

April 26 – 1 month in recovery

It’s safe to say that the 26th of the last 3 months has been pretty significant. As I sit outside at my favorite place at CMU, I decided to reflect about the 26’s of the last few months.

February 26. Part of me feels like it was yesterday. The other part of me feels like it was months ago (which it was). After months of being pretty sick, February 26 was the first day of the rest of my life. The days leading up to this were full of anxiety, sadness, and regret. Leaving my beautiful campus and saying goodbye to my professors and friends was one of the hardest things I had ever had to do. But when I woke up on February 26, everything was different. I felt peace. Hope. Contentment. Things I hadn’t felt in months. I didn’t know what to expect or what I was getting myself into, but I knew it was the right choice. After a few hours on the train, and a half hour in a van, my parents and I got to TK. Then the nerves started to hit. But these nerves were mixed with excitement. The next few hours were spent doing paperwork and assessments. So that was fun. When it was finally time to leave my parents, I was ready. It kind of felt like going to college for the first time, but this was different. When I turned in all my luggage, I gave them my phone too. I couldn’t text my mom to tell her I had a good day, I couldn’t get my dad’s daily picture of Milo (my dog). I had to figure this out on my own. The first day of anything is always the hardest, and that was true for TK. I remember telling myself, “Just make it through today, and tomorrow will be better.” And that’s what happened, every day it got a little easier. I think I’ll always remember February 26th as the day everything changed. The day I decided to put myself first.

March 26. I can’t believe this was already a month ago! The best way to describe this day is bittersweet. I had grown really accustomed to TK. I had the schedule memorized, I had my favorite groups, I knew how everything worked, and I met the most amazing people and staff. I honestly didn’t really want to leave. I knew that it was time, but I really loved my month at TK. It was the hardest month of my life, but it was the most important month I could’ve given myself. March 26th started out a lot like February 26th. I woke up really early, said goodbye, and got on a train. Leaving TK and saying goodbye to everyone was so much harder than I could’ve ever imagined. I was excited to see my friends and family (and Milo), but I was really going to miss my new friends at TK. I said bye to everyone and got my phone back! That was super weird, it felt like a foreign object. Instead of dealing with my hundreds of notifications, I enjoyed the train ride and thought about what my new life was going to be like.

April 26th. 1 month in recovery. 1 month of my new life. I’d like to say that as soon as I walked out of TK, my Eating Disorder was totally gone. But that’s not how recovery works. So what does 1 month in recovery look like? Well, it’s harder than I expected, that’s for sure. It’s appointments and meal planning and grocery shopping and homework from my therapist. Recovery is doing everything opposite of the way I used to do things. Recovery is long days of hard work. But recovery is also joyful. Recovery is spending time with friends at meals, something I used to not be able to do. Recovery is playing piano again. Recovery is not just being in a good mood here or there, but feeling genuine joy. Although recovery comes with a lot of new challenges, it is so much better than living in my eating disorder. Just like choosing harmony, recovery is something you choose every single day.

Recovery is hard, but recovery is worth it.