Journals from TK: Week 3

You may not be where you want to be, but at least you’re not where you used to be.

Week 3 already! Since TK is so isolated, we would say that we lived in “TK time.” With no connection to the outside world, it was hard to even keep track of what day it was. I love having my day planned down to the hour, so it was quite the adjustment for me to not even know what time it was. Before I knew it, it was Week 3.

March 12 – Day 15: Don’t give up on yourself
I still didn’t feel super great this morning. That bleh feeling from yesterday was still there. That wasn’t fun. Lunch was ok. I ate everything, which put me at 100% completion for breakfast, snack, and lunch. And honestly, I felt ok about it. My mood has really improved since this morning. 
Another 100% at afternoon snack! At group at 4:00 we filled out menus for the next week. I was able to fill out all of them! That was a major improvement. I used to not even be able to fill them out by myself.
I didn’t restrict today. Let me write that one more time. I didn’t restrict today. Omg. Today started out so awful, but is ending so positively. Thank God.
I can do this. 

March 13 – Day 16: “You are glowing today”
And that’s exactly how I feel. Today was such a good day.
I saw the doctor today. She said I’m doing really well and she doesn’t need to see me anymore! And I can go off safety! (Some groups were spread out around the TK campus, and your health determined if you were able to walk or if you had to ride) I was so excited, like my entire day was made. And just in time, the weather is getting so nice! Then I saw my dietician. She said she is so proud and I’m doing a great job! Then I went to snack and knocked out another 100%. Heck yeah. 
My heart is so full. 100% meals and snacks today! Ahh! And ED urges are almost totally gone. I know they’re not gone forever, but omg I am so excited. 

March 14 – Day 17: Be proud of yourself
Another good day! Today was day 1 of starting a morning bible study. It was just me and one other girl, but it was good. Who would’ve guessed I would lead a bible study at 6:15 AM in rehab? Alright God, I see you. Then I got to lead Community meeting today! Man, I’ve led a lot of things this week. Ahh! I’m killing this whole recovery thing. For the first time I’m really starting to feel proud. I’m starting to value this feeling more than I value the feeling of restricting. ED voice is so quiet, it might even be gone (for now). Not permanent, but it might be temporarily shut up. Which is an amazing feeling. I think I could get used to this. I’m feeling more and more like myself every day and I am loving it. 

March 15 – Day 18: It’s ok to have a bad day. You’re human.
Today was hard. It started out ok though. Oh, I forgot the most interesting part of this morning. I woke up and we had a new roommate! She definitely wasn’t there when I went to bed. So that’s interesting. 
Today was food challenge day. This time was Chinese food. I knew just walking to the dining hall that it would be rough. We got there and I started to panic. I had gone a few days with little to no urges and it was amazing. But that Chinese food ruined it. Every thought and urge showed up at once and hit me like a truck. It was awful. Total panic. 
Today has sucked. I’m getting more and more homesick. I’m not sure anymore.

March 16 – Day 19: Other people’s reactions are not your fault. 
I was extra tired this morning. Breakfast was fine. I wouldn’t let myself eat 100% though. I skipped morning snack. Not good. 
I had a good session with my therapist. We unpacked a lot. I feel better. 
Lunch was better! I felt much more optimistic. Back to where I was (almost). 
Dinner went much better too! A 100%. I hope I’m back on track. I know there are going to be hard days, I just wish it wasn’t from extreme to extreme, like a little more stable. Rachel and Erika are coming tomorrow! I am so excited. It’s gonna be amazing to see them. 

March 17 – Day 20: Today was a good day and here’s why
Today was Rachel and Erika day! And it was amazing. As soon as I saw both of them I cried happy tears. My heart was so full. Their visit was perfect. I can’t wait to be back at school with everyone. 
I did feel pretty self conscious today. Weight gain is uncomfortable. But overall I don’t think I had any ED urges today, which is amazing. 
I did an entire 500 piece puzzle today in 3 hours. I am a party animal, let me tell you. 
My heart is full tonight. We’re planning my birthday party! I don’t know if it’s just talk or if it’s actually going to happen, but it’s fun to think about. I really think I’ll be ok having my birthday here. Overall, today was really, really good.

March 18 – Day 21: There’s a great, big, beautiful tomorrow
Breakfast was good, cinnamon rolls! I was actually hungry before breakfast. And not mad about it. Progress.
Lunch was actually really good! I had no trouble eating all of it. 
After dinner I decided to look at my theory textbooks. It took a little bit to get my brain thinking about music again, but it felt so amazing. It felt so good. 
Then I led ABA (Anorexics and Bulimics Anonymous). I love leading that group! It just continues to spark my joy for starting my own ED support group. 

Week 3 had its ups and downs, like weeks 1 and 2. What is so significant about week 3 is the length of the challenging times. March 15 was a bad day. Normally bad days would knock me out for the next 2 or 3 days. By week 3? I was able to recover in about 24 hours. That’s growth.

I journaled a lot in week 3 about ED urges being almost gone. A year later, the urges are not 100% gone, but they are so much less frequent. And when they do come, I can usually recover in time for the next meal.

Life is not about getting rid of everything negative. It’s about reducing how it affects us and finding the balance. Find the harmony.

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